no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
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