I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Randomize
