By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Randomize
