Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
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