Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
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