i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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