Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
soo... how was my night?
Randomize
