i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
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