I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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