Rock
Scissors
Fuck
Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
