How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
Randomize
