Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
Randomize
