I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
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