I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
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