Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
