New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Less talking, more tequila
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Couch. On fire.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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