its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Randomize
