I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
