You just made me feel so damn special
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
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