he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
