so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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