Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Randomize
