Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
