When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
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