I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
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