You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
