I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Randomize
