david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Randomize
