I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
