i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
i learned of a new sex move called the pterodactyl. 3 guys stand in a row. 1 girl blows the one in the middle while jerking off the other two. kids these days!
Yaeh! Back in our day we had to wait our turn for some party whore to blow us!
well there you go. the average partycunt evolved into megapartycunt just like scientists predicted.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
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