So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I deserve to be covered in dicks
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
