Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Randomize
