my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
