You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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