i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
