either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
Randomize
