She went from zero to smokin in five shots
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Randomize
