you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Randomize
