I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
