i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
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