hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
