I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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