So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Randomize
