Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Randomize
