I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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