you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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