im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
