My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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