sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
