Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
You can't special order awesome
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
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